So I know I’ve been away for a while. I’m sorry, but I’m back, and expect more…
Part one – Shit Happens
This morning I woke up as if it was any other day, a part from it was a Thursday and I wasn’t at work, it didn’t look like it was going to be any different from any other day.
I made my breakfast, and standard, took a photo of it, but today, I decided to take a photo of it next to my ‘Shit Happens’ poster I bought when I was in Berlin, it’s next to my bed and I see it everyday. Today I saw it and thought… I haven’t had many ‘Shit Happens’ kind of days recently… In fact, it feels like it’s been ages… Then I went on with my day.
Part two – International Women’s Day
When I woke up this morning I knew it was International Women’s Day, what kind of feminist would I be if I didn’t know… and when I went for a run, I decided instead of listening to music like I have been doing a lot lately, I’d listen to The Guiltily Feminist (a great podcast I would highly recommend) I randomly selected one, without looking at the title and pressed play. After the ‘I’m feminist but…’ was out of the way, I realised that this podcast was from this time last year and they were talking about International Women’s Day 2017. What a coincidence…
Part three – Realisation
I carried on running, listening, laughing, enjoying the chit chat in my ears… When I thought to myself, what was I doing this time last year… & honestly, I was about 1 mile in when I thought about this, then when I looked at my watch 50 minutes had passed and I was almost at 6 miles… No wonder my splits are all over the place.
This time last year;
I hated the way I looked.
I was in a horrible relationship, which I thought I was happy in.
I constantly felt like I wasn’t achieving.
I felt stuck.
I was so unhappy.
Yeah, I mean… We’ve gone from ‘lol shit happens right?’ to some deep shit, and we’re only in part three… Let me tell you, my run was an emotional rollercoaster of the good kind, and it was raining!
So let’s break this down, why didn’t I feel like I was achieving anything, well… I felt like I was out of my depth at work, and I was constantly trying to prove myself, don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I work in Marketing for a Vegan company for crying out loud, it couldn’t be more perfect. However I had no idea about Marketing other than what I had taught myself, I didn’t want to let anyone down.
I felt stuck, like I wasn’t pushing myself, there was so much more I could be doing with my free time, but I was always coming up with excuses.
My relationship. Well that was horrendous, and I don’t mean to bad name anyone, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, I felt like he was out of my league, in my head I was still ‘the fat girl’ and she was really winning. I was just waiting for the day he was going to cheat on me and leave me, and he knew this… he’d call me names when he was drunk, like fat, ugly, tell me that my friends hated me, that I was too loud, and everytime he said this to me… I would accept it. I would just agree I was all of these things, and he could do better than me, I had such low self-esteem. I can tell you know, as I write this I am shaking. But this is something I need to get out.
And well, I hated the way I looked… & who would be surprised when every month, your boyfriend, who was supposed to love you, went out, drank and smashed through a load of cocaine, would tell you, you were ugly, fat and would deny your existence to people in his life.
So to sum up part three, you can probably see why I was so unhappy. However, I was quite brilliant at putting on a happy face, and very rarely would people question it. My friend Ellie asked me if I was happy once, she was hammered, I wasn’t. I remember thinking, after I smiled and said yes, and believed myself when I said yes, questioning it. I remember another time when my friend Martha said to me ’you’re not as loud as you used to be, I prefer the old you’ we were in Lush, with my other friend Will who was trying not to eat the bath bombs, she was joking as she said it. I just laughed and said ‘I’m getting old now!’ but it always stuck in my head.
Still shaking as I write this, I can promise you this blog turns around in the parts that follow…
Part four – Now.
Today is International Women’s Day, it’s also the day before my 29th Birthday, fuck… it’s the last year of my 20’s… I mean if part three wasn’t enough for you to feel sorry for me, then that alone should be…
Now I don’t believe in God, but if there was some sort of higher being, then I think there was a reason they wanted me to notice my ‘Shit Happens’ poster and why I randomly picked a podcast from International Women’s Day 2017. I think they wanted me to take note of my achievements and realise I am so fucking happy right now (even though I wish I was turning 25 tomorrow not 29!)
In this last year I have;
Got a promotion at work
Started college and am getting a foundation degree in Marketing.
I also got a Merit on my first assignment
I ran a marathon
I have done some really stupid things, that have resulted in HILLARIOUS stories that my friends and I laugh over.
And things that I am grateful for, well everyday I feel a little bit happier with how I look, I’m doing things for me, and not letting anyone tell me how they think I should look. I have the most amazing friends, I’m loud and silly again. I’m getting back into the thing I love doing, such as blogging and being excited about food. I’m also picking up new things, like new things as the gym, bullet journals and learning.
People now say things about me… Things that blow my mind, Eva in conversation with my friend Tash called me a bad ass. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago I was witty and wished they could be as quick at comebacks as I was. Someone complimented me on my confidence and my ability to state my opinion in a room full of people. Ellie said to me, a couple of months ago, when she was drunk (yes there is a theme here) ‘I feel like the old Hana is back’
My ex used to say I was not very feminine, I mean, I fully can not disagree with him there, at the age of eight I learnt how to burp the alphabet and it’s still a skill I am proud of today. But mate, I’m doing me, and I’ve never been happier. I’m a tomboy, I’m a nerd, I am so awkward, I suffer from anxiety and get myself into hilarious situations and my shame spirals are so dramatically insane. These are all things I love about myself. I don’t plan to change, I plan to grow on my already brilliant qualities… Happy International Women’s Day.
Shout outs to women that inspire me.
Jane Hughes; My Momma, a complete and utter bitch, we are so Emily and Loralie Gilmore it’s unreal. She can be cruel to the point it hurts. But, only I am allowed to say those things, because she is my Momma, and she is so strong, independent, clever, determined and will not put up with any shit, and she bought me up with tough love to be exactly the same, and I think she’s done a pretty good job. She is an icon and I love her.
Pauline Millward; My Gran, a brilliant woman still going strong at 83, she raised 3 daughters pretty much by herself, because she had a crappy husband, and got divorced at a time when it was frond upon. Her views are old fashioned and she is constantly telling me if I don’t become more lady like I’ll never find a man, but then we laugh, because ‘we don’t need men’ she’ll say. She’s brilliant.
Babette Phillips; My best friend, a strong lass, who I can call al 3 in the morning, crying and will just listen. She is thoughtful, strong, caring, creative, stubborn and it’s probably because she’s French. Those arrogant bastards, but she picks something she wants to do and she doesn’t stop until she’s achieved it, whenever I talk about her, I show off about her, I am so proud to call her my best friend, she’s the sister I always asked for and I love her from her head to her toes.
Natasha Noor; A newbie in my life, however, she really was the one to pull me out of my darkest hole. I was so lost when my life chewed me up and spat me out in September. She was the one that told me, it’s going to get worse, ‘there’s going to be days when you think you’re fine, then you’ll just find yourself sitting on the floor crying for no reason’, but when those days did happen, she was there. She’s strong, she’s sassy, she’s gorgeous. I hate her. I am so happy when I’m with her, we creep together perfectly.
There are lots of other strong women in my life, family, friends, work mates, and they are all smashing life, if I named them all, I wouldn’t have space and you’d probably get very board. Next year, I’ll write something like this again, and I’ll purposely pick other females that are smashing life. I can already think of some people I know that are going to be mentioned because I know the next 12 months are going to do them proud.
If you would like get inspired, I would highly recommend
The Guilty Feminist Podcast – If it wasn’t for Debora Francis White I don’t think I’d have realised I was a Guilty Feminist, listening to her podcasts have changed me, and made me question things. Question why we do things, and I honestly think they have made me into a better person
Sara Pascoe’s book Animal – Just a fucking hilarious and brilliant down to earth book that actually taught me stuff without me even realising. The best kind of learning!